40 000 – 10 000 B.C. Early descendants of Canada’s Indigenous people
cross the Bering land bridge from east Asia into North America. Lucky for
them Homeland Security hadn’t been invented, or they’d still be waiting in
900 – 1 000 A.D. Early Viking explorers are believed to be the first
Europeans to visit North America. They enjoyed a nice visit, pillaged a bit,
ate some gravlax, and headed back home in time for tea and cookies.
1400s Foundation of the Iroquois Confederacy, considered the high point
of pre-contact Indigenous civilization; others say the highest point in North
American civilization altogether.
1497 Italian explorer John Cabot claims island of Newfoundland for
England. He also claimed he had nothing to do with the 48 jars of screech
that went missing about the same time.
1642 Montreal, then known as Ville-Marie, was founded. Up to that point, no
one knew it was even losted.
1663 New France became a royal colony of the French Empire. The same
year, Old France became a royal pain in the butt for Old England.
1670 The Hudson’s Bay Company was founded by King Charles II. Later that
year, they had their first Bay Days, where they offered two for one beaver
1759 The decisive Battle of the Plains of Abraham results in British victory
in the Seven Years War. Abraham was a bit perturbed by the seven year
flight delay, and decided to take the bus instead.
Feb 10, 1763 Treaty of Paris ends the Seven Years War. France surrenders
all of its remaining North American possessions to Britain. Britain agrees to
allow weekend visitation, two weeks during the summer, and the islands of
St. Pierre and Miquelon.
1776 13 British colonies in New England successfully revolt against Crown
rule and form an independent country known as the United States of
America. Loyalists flee to Quebec and the Maritimes. Fleas loyal to the Maritimes go to Quebec.
1791 Constitution Act divides Quebec into two colonies: Upper Canada and
Lower Canada. Upper Canada was geographically below Lower Canada.
Lower Canada, however, thought they were intellectually superior to Upper
Canada. Upper and Lower would struggle for years to decide who was
really on top. The jury is still out on that one.
1812 – 1815 War of 1812: Britain and the United States battle for control of
eastern North America. This is also known as The War that the United
States Forgot. After chasing the intruders back across the border, we gave
them a little spanking by burning down the Whitehouse and eternally
watering down their beer.
1834 The City of Toronto was incorporated. The centre of the universe was
also discovered that year… apparently in Toronto.
Feb 10, 1841 Act of Union unites Upper and Lower Canada into the United
Province of Canada with a single parliamentary-style government. This is
the first documented same territory marriage in North America.
1858 The British Crown Colony of British Columbia is established on the
Pacific coast, giving hippies and free thinkers a place to congregate.
1867 The British North America Act takes effect, and John A. MacDonald is
inaugurated as the first prime minister of Canada. He later started a
successful chain of fast food burger restaurants and genocide.
1873 The Northwest Mounted Police, precursor to the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police are founded. Dudley Doright is sworn in as the first
Mountie, and promptly mounted his horse backwards and rode off into the
1876 The Indian Act is passed by the Parliament of Canada, founding the
modern system of Indigneous reservations, instituionalized racism, and smoke shacks.
1885 The last spikeis driven in Craigellachie, British Columbia,
completing the transnational Canadian Pacific Railway. Contrary to
popular belief, the last spike wasn’t made of gold, but rather a take out
menu from Golden Dragon Chinese restaurant, placed in ceremonial
honour for all the immigrant labourers who actually built the railroad for the
rich white politicians.
1886 The city of Vancouver is incorporated, and was immediately
inundated with tie dyed shirts and funny smelling smoke.
1914 – 1918 Canadian troops fight under British command during World
War I. They were known for their tenacity, their courage, and their dough
boy helmets that they wore at a jaunty angle, just to ruffle the feathers of
1918 Women are finally allowed their God given right to vote in Canadian
federal elections. They quickly realized that if God really wanted them to
vote he would have given them candidates worth voting for.
1920 Canada becomes one of the founding members of the League of
Nations. This is not to be confused with the Justice League, which was also
founded by a Canadian.
1924 The Royal Canadian Air Force was established. Surprisingly, three of
the four original planes still make up 75% of our current air force.
1939 Canada declares war on Germany and sends troops to fight in World
War II. They also sent Wayne and Shuster.
1945 World War II ends with the surrender of Germany to John Wayne.
1950 – 1953 Canadians fight in the Korean War under United Nations
command. They don’t, however, get a part in the tv series M*A*S*H, as
they already had a Hawkeye and a Trapper.
1965 The Maple Leaf becomes Canada’s official flag. Contrary to popular
belief, the leaf is from the Sugar Maple, Acer saccharum, not Cannabis
1967 Canada celebrates its centennial. Other than being a bit wider across
the 49 th parallel, she looked just as good as she did at confederation.
1969 The passage of the Official Languages Act makes Canada an officially
bilingual country with French and English as Canada’s two official
languages, allowing English speaking Canadians to learn a second
language from the back of cereal boxes… Flocons de Maiz!
1975 Canada begins converting to the Metric System, which is now used
by 0.475 percent of Canadians.
1984 Marc Garneau becomes the first Canadian in outer space.
1987 A free trade agreement between Canada and the United States is
approved. This allows the Canadian government to freely trade away our
industries and resources to the United States.
1991 Canadians participate in the first Persian Gulf War to expel Iraq from
Kuwait, and help secure cheap foreign oil for the Americans.
2002 Following the attacks of September 11, 2011, Canadian troops are
deployed to Afghanistan to fight the Taliban regime and Islamic terrorists.
They deployed 2500 troops, several Leopard C2 tanks, and one Tim
Hortons donut shop.
2003 Canada says “no” to joining the war in Iraq, as well as refusing to
adopt the name “Freedom Fries”.
2005 Canada approves same-sex marriages. This gives LGBTQ2S individuals the right to be just as miserable as straight people.
2011 There are riots in Vancouver after their Stanley Cup loss.
Torontonians are shocked by the behavior, but mainly because they’ve had
four and half decades to practice being gracious losers.
2012 The end of the world was put on hold once again.
2013 Our neighbors to the south elected Barack Obama for his second term as President. He won this without the use of performance enhancing drugs, unlike Lance Armstrong.
2014 Tim Hortons, the coffee and donut icon of Canada is purchased by Burger King. It was a whopper of a deal, and the company hopes to double-double it’s profits.
2015 Canada elected Justin Trudeau as it’s 42nd Prime Minister. He was the first son of a previous Prime Minister to win, and was widely known for his shirtless pics and cringy photobombs.
2016 Social media and news outlets bombarded us with images of the burgeoning ‘bromance’ of President Obama and PM Trudeau. A dejected Joe Biden, in a fit of jealousy, took to taping ‘I’m with stupid’ on the presidents back whenever he and Justin posed for photos.
2017 The federal government of Canada dedicates a new Holococaust monument in Ottawa… but forgot to mention Jews or anti-Semitism on it. This is fact… I couldn’t make stuff like this up!
2019 The start of a global pandemic. Aside from the viral spread of widespread stupidity and selfishness that crippled the world, there was also COVID 19.
2020 After an overwhelming shift toward bolstering conspiracy theories in the mainstream media, satire sites The Onion, The Beaverton, and Walking Eagle news just give up.
2021 More of the same.